Unlike your workout, there’s no simple science to knowing what women want. And while your girlfriend may tell her gal pals about all the things that get her going, she could be leaving you in the dark. Lucky for you, we asked a handful of women and some sex experts to get you all the details you need to truly blow her mind. You’ve upped your game at the gym. Now’s the time to boost your skills in the bedroom. Here’s what she wishes you knew about sex—and how to deliver.
1. Warm Me Up
“You wouldn’t just dive into your workout without warming up, so please accord my vagina the same courtesy,” says Sara T. of Manhattan. “You might also wish to apply the same logic to other parts of my body, not just with my erogenous zones but also my brain,” she adds.
Our desire and need to be warmed up with everything from flattery to foreplay makes sense even on an evolutionary level. “Women aren’t as susceptible to excitation as men because of their elevated risk of STIs, pregnancy, and injury,” says Robin Milhausen, Ph.D., sex researcher at the University of Guelph. “Women need more evidence that a partner is worth the investment.”
Women need a bit more of a lead up than men do when it comes to jumping into the sack, says certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, LCSW. We want to feel special, wanted, courted, not just at your disposal. “Women appreciate compliments and comments her partner makes throughout the week about what he finds attractive about her,” says Cooper. “This keeps the energy between them vital so when they do start getting physical, they aren’t starting from zero in the romance energy dept.”
Tell us how pretty, smart, and sexy we are and spend time on kissing and gentle touching before you start the real foreplay show.
2. I’m Not Your Ex
“Don’t assume that what worked for your last girlfriend works for me,” says Alyssa V. of Toronto. “My body is different, and it won’t make me feel special when you arbitrarily apply what your last lover liked to me.”
It’s imperative that you take the time to get to know what your new lover’s body prefers, don’t expect that it’s the same as the last woman you were with.
“Sexual response and desire varies tremendously from one woman to another,” says Charlie Glickman, Ph.D., sex educator and author of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure. “A lot of guys get really caught up in the idea that a trick that worked every time with a former partner will play out just as smoothly with the next. That’s simply not true.”
Without doing too much talking, it’s a good idea to ask your woman if she likes where your mouth, hands, or any other part of your body that’s pleasing her is and listen to her reactions to gauge what’s working—and what isn’t.
3. What’s On The Outside Does Matter
We’re not talking about that six-pack you’re flexing when you’re hovering over our half-naked bodies with your shirt off. (Though we won’t complain about that, if you have it.) We’re referencing the clitoris, thank you.
“It’s there for a reason,” says Annabelle J. of Texas. “Surprisingly, not every guy gets that.”
“Most women need some kind of clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, which means intercourse alone isn’t going to get them all the way,” says Glickman. He recommends vibrators, hands, even using your pubic bone during missionary. Note, again, that what feels best for your gal will depend on her particular body, so ask, listen, and be ready to learn.
4. Make My Life Easier Before and After
What you do prior to and following sex may be just as important as what you do during the act. And this doesn’t just mean cuddling. Getting your gal in the mood can often entail creating an environment helps her focus, clear her mind, and stop thinking about her daily or nightly stressors, says Milhausen.
“If she has kids, make sure you’ve helped take care of them for some portion of the day,” suggests Milhausen. If it’s laundry, dishes or another chore that need to be done, pitch in. Help out with something that allows her time to get her workout in. “That’ll lead to her being more likely to want to have sex with you,” says Milhausen.
Pro tip: Offer to pick up our dry cleaning, clean the dishes after dinner, or promise to remake the bed.
5. Get Engaged
Don’t freak. No one’s asking for a ring. What we would like, however, is your effort to keep us present while you’re trying to get us off.
“Women report thinking about over three hundred things during any given sexual encounter,” Milhausen says. This can wildly range from, Do I look good from this angle? To, How will I start thatpresentation at work tomorrow?
Help us stay in the moment with you by checking in on how we’re doing while you’re going to town, letting us know how the act feels for you, and remembering to attend to more than just our nether regions. (Tuck a hair behind our ear, look into our eyes, gently stroke our breasts…the possibilities are endless!)
6. I Don’t Have All Night
No one wants a “minute man,” so if you have issues with premature ejaculation, seek help from a doctor if it’s a concern of yours. That being said, don’t assume we want to have sex for hours and hours.
“Sometimes I get annoyed and bored when sex takes too long,” admits Rachel Q. of San Jose. “And honestly, if we’re going at it for an hour, it can become painful.”
Studies show that the ideal length of time to go at it is under thirty minutes, though other research (especially with same-sex couples) estimates a longer time frame is normal for some couples.
The reality of a woman’s anatomy is that, after a certain point (and without adequate lube—or arousal) we chafe. Or just get tired. So don’t freak if we’re both finished in under an hour.
7. Keep It Interesting
A common reason that a woman can slip out of the mood—or feel reluctant to start things in the first place—is that sex has become too predictable or routine. “Part of what makes sex so alluring is the anticipation of the unknown,” says relationship expert Jessica O’Reilly, Ph.D., author of The New Sex Bible. “When it begins to feel like regularly-scheduled programming, it also starts to become less enticing and less regular.”
Spice it up a bit and try coming on to us in a different part of the house. Start the foreplay outside of the bedroom, or plant a seed of desire in our heads via text, e-mail, or a phone call during the day.
“One of the most exciting things my husband has done for me recently was texting me during my lunch hour that I was expected at a certain hotel at 9:00 that evening,” says Sadie L. of San Francisco. “That night ended up being unforgettable. Especially since I didn’t have to skip my after-work Spinning class or dinner!”
8. Take the Pressure Off
“Since college, my top pet peeve is when guys ask me, ‘Did you come?’” says Amelia D. of Massachusetts. Consider this the equivalent of a kid in the back seat asking, Are we there yet?
Approaching sex with the sole goal of orgasm takes the enjoyment out of it, says Glickman. What’s more, it could risk you being iced out completely, as she shuts down under pressure to perform, looses morale, or feels increasingly like you just don’t “get” her.
9. Lube Is Our Friend
“Sometimes I’ll be super turned on, but I won’t be as wet as my partner expects,” says Ashley B. of North Carolina.
Anything from her biology, to medications, supplements, daily habits, and dietary changes can make your gal a bit dry between her thighs, explains Glickman. So don’t be shy about using lube—it doesn’t mean she isn’t turned on by you. It’ll prevent against chafing, enable you both to last longer, and amplify the sensations all around.
10. Let Me Tell You When It’s Over
“Sex doesn’t need to end when the man comes,” says O’Reilly. “You have 10 fingers, a tongue, and lips—use them!” Even when you think all is said and done, ask her if there’s anything else you can do for her—even if she’s spent or satisfied, she’ll appreciate the gesture.
Just like your workout, the more effort you put in to understanding your woman, the better results you’ll get.
