Hopefully by now you’ve let go of the belief that real sex goes down just like it does in the movies. Contrary to the cinematic image of perfect soft lighting, no need for foreplay, and seamless, steamy sex without any clean-up, real life sex has its fair share of awkward moments. Whether you accidentally bump heads, someone lets loose an embarrassing sound, or you botch an attempt at a new sex position, there’s a whole side of sex that is too cringe to include in the movie fantasy. But real life is real life and we need to address that there’s often an unspoken side effect to most of our human encounters.
To save you some future mortification—and to reassure you that you aren’t alone—we rounded up eight common things that can go wrong during sex and spoke with two sexual health experts about how to handle them.
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The Condom Breaks
One of the smartest ways to handle a condom breaking—whether you find out in the heat of the moment or the morning after—is to “be emotionally prepared,” say Eric M. Garrison says, sex counselor and author of Mastering Multiple Position Sex. Translation: Talk about sex before you have it, specifically sexual history, STDs, and whether she’s on birth control.
We get that it can seem easier to jump into bed with someone than ask whether they’ve ever contracted gonorrhea. But bringing up awkward questions early is crucial to dialing down panic if something goes awry, Garrison says. Knowing whether your partner had or currently has an STD is important information that will equip you to handle mishaps by getting tested yourself or, if necessary, obtaining post-exposure antibiotic prophylaxis drugs to keep you free of disease.
Garrison also advises sexually active partners to consider purchasing Plan B in advance so that in the event a mishap occurs, they don’t have to wait to obtain it at the drug store the following day. However, he also points out that even at a woman’s peak fertility, the chances of her getting pregnant from a broken condom aren’t as high as you may think. “Only 80 out of 1,000 healthy women of childbearing age will get pregnant if they have sex one time without a condom during their peak fertility,” he explains.
Or consider having your girl call her gynecologist as a copper IUD can be inserted up to five days after a broken condom to prevent pregnancy. This method is actually more effective than the morning after pill, Garrison says.
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You Enter the Wrong Hole
Whether you misunderstood if she wanted anal or not, you thought she’d enjoy a finger up her butt, or you just bungled an attempt to enter her vaginally, one of the most important things you can do if you enter the wrong hole is to be sensitive to her reaction—and, if she’s totally not into it, apologize stat, suggests certified sex therapist Rachel Needle, Psy.D. Being cold, defensive, or otherwise insensitive in response to a mishap like this can be a swift turn-off for your female partner, who may need some reassurance that she can trust you going forward in order to maintain arousal.
Once you’ve ensured she knows you didn’t mean any harm by your accident, you may wish to take things back to foreplay, starting a bit slower and softer again to re-establish trust.
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You Say the Wrong Name
“This is a common mistake people make early in a relationship—especially when one partner recently came out of a long-term one,” says Needle. “If you do this and your partner hears it, then definitely apologize, empathize, and reassure them that it was out of habit as opposed to something with actual meaning.”
For the partner who hears this slip of the tongue, Garrison advises to do your best to not read into it. Unless you have any reason to believe your partner is cheating on you, it’s safe to give them the benefit of the doubt, he adds. “Saying another partner’s name doesn’t mean you’d rather be with that person,” Garrison explains, “more likely, it’s that intense states of physical pleasure may trigger specific memories and make you momentarily lose track of where you are.”
Needle says that it’s very important to “allow your partner to be upset (if they are), validate their feelings, and empathize with them.” So long as you continue to show interest in them, remain present, and reassure them that you truly enjoy being with them and wouldn’t trade it for the world, you can both recover from this faux-pas.
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An Inopportune Bodily Function Transpires
Whether one of you burps, farts, or emits some other bodily sound—or even an unexpected fluid—it’s important not to freak out, says Garrison, adding that tears of joy following orgasm are also an uncontrollable physical function that happen to some people. Both of you are human, so you’re bound to have gas at some point and, unlike porn—where such moments are edited out of scenes—your partner (or you) will become well aware of this fact the more you have sex.
Certainly hygiene is a top priority. So if you’re having anal sex and things get messy, it’s best to shower and change the sheets. However, if all you’re contending with is an embarrassing noise—from a grumbling stomach to air entering your partner’s vagina to cause a queef—it’s important to be able to shrug these hiccups off as well as reassure your partner that they shouldn’t be ashamed of such unintended events.
Garrison recommends introducing some levity to dissipate any lingering interpersonal awkwardness. For instance, “Well, thank you for your feedback!”—or whatever you and your partner find amusing. If you do manage to make her (or yourself) laugh, consider that a huge plus. After all, Garrison reminds us, laughter builds endorphins, amplifying the pleasure of intimate moments.
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You or Your Partner Gets Injured
“Sometimes hormones are so high during sex that people don’t realize—or don’t pay attention to—a legitimate injury,” Garrison says. But if you’ve smashed noses, fallen off the bed and hit your head, pulled a muscle, have a cramp, or experienced a mishap while trying to replicate something you saw in Fifty Shades of Grey, it’s important to treat the injury “as though you were fully clothed and this happened at the dinner table or at a picnic,” he says.
If it’s something relatively minor, Garrison advises to suggest to your partner that you both get dressed, put ice on an area in pain (if necessary) and maybe just cuddle for a bit on the couch. If it’s more severe (i.e., if a lot of blood is involved or something just doesn’t feel right in your muscles, tendons, or bones), it’s smart to get dressed and consider going to the emergency room.
Whatever you do, don’t judge your partner (or yourself) for the accident, as this will only make things worse. “You need to have a response, not a reaction,” Garrison adds.
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Someone Walks in on You
The level of awkwardness that ensues if someone walks in on you having sex will depend on the nature of the relationship between you and the person who catches you in the heat of passion as well as the relationship between you and the person you’re having sex with. Understand that it may be extremely embarrassing for a girl you’ve only just met when your roommate barges in to ask if he can borrow a towel. Likewise, you might be completely embarrassed if you’re spending the weekend at her family’s house and a relative enters the bedroom in search of a book while you’re sneaking in an afternoon romp.
First and foremost, apologize to the person who isn’t in on the fun. (That’s just common courtesy). Next up, pause to check in with your partner to ensure she’s not totally mortified. If the situation is appropriate—i.e., you know the person who walked in on you—Garrison advises throwing humor into the mix once again to air out the tension. (Consider quips such like, “Can’t you see I’m hard at work here?”)
It’s also smart to plan in advance by having a signal for roommates such as a “do not disturb” sign on the door, Garrison adds. (Better yet: Just get a lock and make sure it’s functioning before you jump into bed in a house where you know other people may bug you.)
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Your Partner’s Not Into Something That You Are
Maybe you gave dirty talk a go and it totally backfired. Or you thought blindfolding her would be a mutually enjoyable experience, rather than one that resulted in you getting slapped in the face. Heck, maybe you even introduced a toy during foreplay that totally freaked her out. Regardless of where your attempt went wrong, your mistakes aren’t irredeemable, Garrison says.
For starters, he recommends getting on the same page about what words turn you on or off before you start saying them in the bedroom. (For example, “I really like dirty talk,” or, “I don’t like being called ‘baby,’ or ‘sweetie,’ because it reminds me of a bad experience.”)
This is one of those conversations you should try having before clothes come off, along with the talk about sexual histories. Discussing the fantasies you both wish to explore—as well as whether both of you are on board with toys (and, if so, which kinds) is another important discussion topic.
Garrison advises to keep the age-old sex-ed adage “Don’t yuck my yum” in mind as you have these conversations. “Just because something is not in our taste or wheelhouse doesn’t give us the right to be critical. And if we’re trying to prolong the mood, critiquing our partners is a huge roadblock,” he says.
Stay tuned into your partner in the heat of the moment. If you notice her tensing up, pulling away, or growing upset after you’ve said or done something new in bed, check in with her to ask what’s wrong. (Most women will agree: that kind of sensitivity and attentiveness is the hottest thing ever.)
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You or Your Partner Smells Bad
Whether one of you forgot to put deodorant on this morning, you or your partner may have needed to wash below the belt a bit better after that sweaty workout, or something just smells funky when the two of you disrobe, addressing the foul-smelling elephant in the room can be extremely awkward.
If you’re the offender, it can help to whisper in your partner’s ear that you want to “freshen up” for her and tell her to relax for a moment while you hop into the shower. (She will appreciate the interruption if she senses it’s necessary.)
If, however, your partner’s the source of an unpleasant odor, it may be wise to invite her along to freshen up with you. Garrison says that baking soda does a particularly great job of eliminating vaginal odor. So if the odor regularly occurs, consider drawing her a nice bath one evening with 1/2 a cup of the stuff dissolved in.
