11 Things Women Are Too Shy to Ask for in Bed

“Many women are afraid to ask their partner to cherish them for fear of coming off as too needy,” says Dr. Judy Rosenberg, Ph.D., founder of the psychological healing center in Sherman Oaks/Beverly Hills and author of Be The Cause: Healing Human Disconnect. But, when you demonstrate to your girlfriend just how important she is to you—say, by buying her flowers, telling her how much you care about her or how grateful you are to have her in your life, or simply pay paying more attention to her interests outside the bedroom—the desire she feels towards you will most likely skyrocket.

Why? Because most women need to feel safe in order to truly enjoy a sexual encounter with a man, says Rosenberg. And part of making her feeling safe entails reassuring her, through your actions and through your words, that, to you, she’s number one.

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“Women want men to connect with them before, during, and after sex,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Kristie Overstreet, L.P.C.C., C.S.T., author of Fix Yourself First: 25 Tips to Stop Ruining Your Relationship. Looking into her eyes, she says, is a surefire way to do this. 

That doesn’t just mean while you’re making love to her. Eye contact is important for cultivating connection between two human beings inside and outside of the bedroom. Consider a classic psychology study wherein several groups of two strangers were forced to look into each other’s eyes: Those who maintained eye contact reported more intense feelings of love and liking towards the person with whom they shared a mutual gaze when questioned after the experiment.

That’s not to say you should never look away—after all, too much eye contact can be creepy—but to foster those stronger feelings of connection she craves, don’t forget to gaze at her over drinks, dinner, and while cuddling (in addition to moments of physical intimacy).

Asking you for oral sex isn’t the easiest thing for most women to do, explains Barbara Gold, LCSW, author of Loving Courageously: First Me, Then You, Now Us. “That’s because many women are taught to give pleasure, not to request it—and they can be very concerned that a male partner may dislike the act, respond negatively to her, or be turned off by the way she tastes or smells.”

Gold recommends discussing the prospect with your partner prior to hopping into bed—i.e., “is this something you like or would be interested in?”—and, once you do go down, checking in with her to ensure it feels good. (Every woman is different in what pushes her over the edge, so it may take you a few tries to get it right. Listen closely and let her guide you.)

Bonus points if you can reassure her that she needn’t feel shy about the act—both by saying this directly and demonstrating that sentiment via your enthusiasm and willingness to pleasure her with your mouth.

While we’re (kind of) sympathetic to the fact that following an orgasm you’d like to roll over and nap, that’s not exactly the kind of response that makes us want to come back to you for more — especially if we’re left unsatisfied.

Make it a priority that your partner experiences just as much pleasure as you do during all physical encounters. That doesn’t necessarily mean she has to orgasm—some women get turned off by the pressure to climax and prefer the overall experience versus the traditional end goal—but it does mean her pleasure should be just as much a priority as yours. Just because you’ve gotten off doesn’t mean the mutual act of love-making is done.

“Some men put too much focus on themselves and completing their orgasm and ejaculation,” says Overstreet.  “Don’t leave her hanging.  Men need to pay attention to ensure the women have the opportunity to complete orgasm if she wishes too. Take advantage of an opportunity to sit back, watch, and relax especially if she takes it into her own hands.”

No one’s expecting you to be a mind reader. But if you truly pay attention to your girlfriend’s body language and behavior ,you can often pick up on some hints regarding whether she does or does not like something you’re doing—and whether she wants something new or different. 

Overstreet recommends taking particular note when your girlfriend seems less engaged or enthusiastic about sex, doesn’t initiate sex or attempt foreplay, and she reacts to sex as if it’s a task or a chore.

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In these scenarios, Overstreet says male partners would do well to check in with their girlfriends about what’s going on with them—albeit, kindly and without judgment, so that she doesn’t pull further away. 

Try phrases like, “I want you to feel good every time we have sex.  Tell me what I can do more of to make you feel good and what I can do less of.” Or “I’m always open to trying something new or different, so if you have any ideas let me know.”

And don’t forget the power of telling her that you care about her and there for her should she need to talk about anything. (Sometimes the problem has nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with her job, a friendship, or another life challenge that’s absorbed her attention and is sapping her desire.)

Some women enjoy more direct clitoral stimulation, some are fine with intercourse, says Gold. Some, however, prefer both — and a great way to experience that double stimulation is for her to ride you from on top. 

Rather than being a sign of her wanting to dominate you, most women prefer this position simply because it feels amazing inside and out. Not every woman will feel comfortable asking to take the upper hand, so to speak, because they don’t want to risk feeling rejected by a man who may not like being on the bottom, says Overstreet. So do your girlfriend a favor and offer to assume the bottom position yourself — or ask if she would like to give getting on top a go. Chances are, when you observe the pleasure she can derive from this arrangement, your own pleasure will skyrocket in return. Not to mention, you’ve got a great view from down below.

Studies suggest that women’s sexuality is a bit more fluid than men’s—meaning she may have an interest in being with a same-sex partner more than you might. That’s not to say all women will be instantaneously down for a threesome, but her feelings about other women may be something worth exploring together. 

It could be that the two of you end up finding some mutually arousing same-sex porn together, or maybe that you simply talk about the idea of her being with another woman. If you both do choose to incorporate a third, she says, make sure you’re both on the same page from the get go. 

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“It’s very important for couples who are considering involving another person in bed to discuss their fears, goals, and how they can keep each other feeling secure during the endeavor so that a third party won’t rock the boat in a catastrophic way,” Gold cautions. 

Just as your lady may want to experiment with someone of her own gender, she may also be curious to try out some kink. This doesn’t necessary mean, however, that she’ll want you to cause her physical pain. “A lot of women have bondage fantasies but these fantasies usually involve something on the softer side, like being tied up with scarves, says Gold.

The only way you’ll find out if your girlfriend wants to you to take more charge is to gently ask. Don’t just attempt to tie her up without knowing that’s something she’s into. She also might like having her eyes covered with a scarf or enjoy light spanking. Talk it over and see what she’d like to try.

Discussing health issues isn’t particularly sexy, but it’s an important part of safety and overall trust between two people. Especially if they’re planning on spending a lot of time being intimate with one another.

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Whether or not you have ever contracted an STI can be an excruciatingly awkward topic of discussion for most. Yet it’s something most women (and men, for that matter) want to (and should) know prior to getting it on, says Rosenberg.

Make it easier on the both of you by breaking the ice prior to doing anything sexual. A simple “Before we get started, I do want to share with you that (fill in the blank)…, or “I wanted to ask you if…” can do the trick. Trust that she’ll appreciate your honesty above all else—and if she balks or rejects you for being forthright, then she’s probably not someone you want to be with anyway—and that’s better to know sooner than later. 

We forgive you for getting lost in the heat of the moment and forgetting to, well, wash your hands or your body prior to jumping into bed with us. But many women would prefer a cleanlier encounter, says Rosenberg—no matter how raunchy they’d like to get with their guy.

Save us the awkwardness of asking you to clean up and always remember to wash your hands prior to touching us. It’s not only cordial, it’s safer. And if you’ve just come from the gym or have been sweating all day in your clothes, it doesn’t hurt to rinse off quickly. Rather than faulting you for the request to use our shower, we will be grateful you saved us the discomfort of suggesting the idea in the first place.

“Having sex with no change in the environment can be boring and stale,” says Overstreet. She may not want to bruise your ego by bringing this up with you, but if you’ve been repeating the same bedroom routine over and over for months in a row, it’s likely she’ll appreciate switching things up a bit.

This doesn’t mean you have to go extreme in your attempt to make things exciting. Often, a simple change in the environment will do, says Overstreet. “Light a few candles, turn down the lights, throw a blanket on the living room floor, and turn on some music,” she suggests, for starters. If your schedules allow for it, take a vacation somewhere to escape the pressures of everyday life that could be constraining your bedroom routine. You may also want to surprise her with a romantic night out and a nice hotel room over a weekend.

The more you’ve gotten to know what thrills her by inquiring and listening with an open mind over the course of your relationship with her, the better ideas you’ll have about how to really turn her on to her fullest extent.

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