Quest’s New Protein Spray Tan is Already Backordered

Because digestion is just too damn slow…

Quest’s New Protein Spray Tan is Already Backordered

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Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or spent the entire morning in the gym trying to LOOK like the Rock), you probably know that Quest released a new Protein Spray Tan product last night.

And it’s already backordered.

Demand for the new trans-dermal protein product is so high that the Quest Nutrition website crashed within minutes of release. An hour later, they had sold every last bottle of the self-applied aerosol tanning product.

Quest CMO Nick Robinson apologized for the stocking issue, saying, “We knew demand for an innovative product like this would be high, we just didn’t realize how badly people were craving a way to get protein without having to eat it. Finally you can tan while bulking.”

Quest is advertising the new product as a way to get in those final grams of protein when you just can’t stomach anymore calories. Literally. With Quest Protein Spray Tan, the stomach is removed from the ingestion equation.

Ron Penna, the company’s CEO, the head of its R&D department, and a former competitive bodybuilder himself, offered this as the simplest explanation for the product’s immediate and overwhelming popularity: “This is something that bodybuilders have wanted for years, they just didn’t realize it. Time they're spending onstage is time they could be eating protein.”

When asked whether the Quest product could actually contribute in a meaningful way to protein intake, Dr. Steven A. Witherly, PhD said that the science behind the supplement was sound. “Protein spray tan essentially inhibits muscle breakdown. This allows you to get a pump on and keep it all day. The proprietary protein complex enters through the sweat glands, into the bloodstream, and quickly finds muscles to volumize. It manipulates the same gene fault responsible for rare cases of Double Muscle Syndrome. The more you spray, the bigger you get.” Laughing, he added, “But do try to avoid the groin area." 

Quest has a sense of humor about the new product. They’ve divided it into three different SPF categories (re-imagined here as “Spray Protein Factor”). The SPF corresponds to the grams of protein per “serving:” 20, 50, and 75 respectively.

The 75 SPF product sells for a whopping $49.99 a bottle, but according to Yemeni Mesa, Quest’s VP of Sales, that was the first category to sell out. “These consumers are eating four to five thousand calories a day. They’re tired of eating. If they can get 75 grams of protein in a spray-on serving, that’s worth the price to them.”

The company has assured consumers that they’re already ramping up production for the next batch, but as of yet there’s no word on when the product will go back on sale.

Oh, and by the way... APRIL FOOLS!

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