Picture the two of you alone together: Friday to Sunday, mostly naked most of the time. A dirty weekend should be two solid days of fun, sweaty, naughty, delicious isolation. Your girlfriend is onboard for the good time. Also, she wants to be romanced, indulged, and to walk into work Monday six inches off the ground sporting a glow her co-workers can’t quite place.

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With more than my share of raunchy retreats, I’ve learned one true thing: You can’t have memories unless you make them—and a really wild weekend is a good time to do it. Here’s how: