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You don’t need to be a wordsmith to excel in dirty talk.
Nor do you need to be an amateur Shakespeare to perfect the art of sexting.
And you definitely don’t need to limber up and attempt to re-enact the stunts you watch in porn to perform well in bed. (On behalf of all women, take that last one to heart.)
At the same time, saying the wrong thing can be all too easy. And hey, we get it: Blood flow is at a premium mid-coitus. So if you’re not exactly sure about your wordplay in the sack, then you can at least avoid the self-inflicted error of saying something that totally kills the mood.
To show you exactly what not to say, take a look at these 20 real-life scenarios women have been subjected to in the sack.
“This guy called himself ‘Daddy.’ I’ll never forget it.” — Raquel M.
“In a baby voice, talking to his penis, he said: ‘Ughhhh, why aren’t you working?!’” — Kayla H.
“I have feelings for someone else.” — Ashley W.
“A guy I was dating was studying Mandarin, so I thought it would be hot if he whispered dirty things to me in another language. He played into it, but when I asked him what the phrases meant in English he said it translated to ‘Where is the bathroom,’ and ‘Have you eaten?’ I could’t stop laughing. That was all he learned so far in Intro to Mandarin, and the mood was shot, but I love that he tried.” — Brianne D.
“One guy took off my top and said, ‘Wow, they’re bigger than I thought.’ Not necessarily bad, but: Thank you?” — Alanna F.
“I had a guy point to stretch marks on my hip and ask ‘What are these things?’” — Anne L.
“‘My nose is bleeding, and I think I got some on you.’” — Jane F.
“‘You feel great, and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I went to a Chinese food buffet before I came here, and I’m afraid I might throw up on you.’” — Jessica M.
“First time sleeping with a guy and he asked me to stick my finger in his butt while he came. Buddy, you couldn’t wait ’til like the fourth or fifth time to throw that at me?!” — Marissa K.
“‘I feel like if we got a camera right now, this could get a lot of hits on Pornhub.’” — Alicia D.
“I told my boyfriend at the time to talk dirty to me. Things started off pretty normal, but then he started asking if I wanted him to ‘do me like a dog’ in this weird whispery voice. I didn’t love doggie style before, but that definitely ruined the position for me—forever.” — Jenna H.
“‘My girlfriend can’t find out about this.’ Um, why am I learning you have a girlfriend now?!” — Victoria L.
“It was my first time sleeping with a new guy who was insecure in quite a few ways. We were in the middle of sex when he stopped, looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘What do you like about me?’ I was so thrown off by being put on the spot—out of breath and naked—and just so turned off.” — Marie W.
“‘I need you to stop making sounds. It’s distracting me.’ So. Freaking. Awkward.” —Rae Q.
“‘Man, this is good. How many guys have you been with?'” — Laura Q.
“‘Would you memorize a script for the next time we have sex?’ He wanted me to be an amateur porn star. Well, without the cameras.” — Tracy Q.
“‘Why do you keep making that face? Are you in pain?'” — Corie C.
“You know, you can get surgery to make your boobs smaller.” — Melanie Z.
“‘I hope my dog doesn’t try to get involved right now.'” — Elizabeth K.
“Far too soon he said: ‘Do you love me?'” — Kate J.