Whenever people find out that I’m a sex therapist, they typically ask me, “What kind of questions do people usually ask you?” I know they’re mostly asking for the interesting stories, but I also know that they’re asking—in a roundabout way—if their own questions about sex are normal. The fact is, when it comes to sex, there’s a wide spectrum of what constitutes normal, and often, your questions are shared by many other people. Sex therapists have encountered many situations that people might consider embarrassing, so you shouldn’t be shy about asking.
If you want to take the same peek behind my sex therapy office door, and the same assurance that your questions are perfectly acceptable, I’m here to help. Here are the nine most common questions I get asked from men in my practice and my unfiltered, honest answers.
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Does penis size matter?
I’ll give you the honest truth here: Yes, penis size matters. But not to the extent that you think, or in the ways that you think.
If you have penis-in-vagina intercourse, the woman being penetrated probably wants to feel a certain sense of fullness. But that fullness is really dependent on that individual woman’s preferences. Some women like a long penis, others like a shorter penis. Some like a girthy penis, others like a more slender penis. You could sleep with one woman who wishes you were packing a little more heat, another woman who thinks your penis is uncomfortably big, and yet another woman who thinks it’s just right. It’s just about the ways your bodies fit together—it’s not a personal judgment against you.
In general, bigger isn’t always better. A big penis can actually cause a lot of pain for the person being penetrated. The size of your penis is also a whole lot less important for anal sex than it is for vaginal sex. In fact, a smaller penis can actually be preferable for anal sex.
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Can I make my penis bigger?
More brutal honesty here: No, you can’t make your penis bigger. You’ve probably seen tons of supplements, medical devices, and even masturbation techniques claiming to help you increase the length or girth of your penis. I’m not even going to mention specifics, since I know you’ll probably do a Google search “just out of curiosity.” None of that crap works, and buying any of these purported penis enlargers is the equivalent of setting a stack of cash on fire. Don’t waste your time or your money. Learn to work with what you’ve got.
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Can women orgasm from sex?
One of my specialties is coaching women on how to orgasm, so I work with this topic a lot. I like to make the distinction between orgasming from sex and orgasming during sex. The truth is that only about 15 to 20% of women can orgasm from penetration itself. But every woman can learn how to orgasm during sex.
The female orgasm boils down to the clitoris. Unfortunately, the clitoris doesn’t tend to get a lot of love during intercourse. Fun fact about the clitoris: It extends up into the body, and splits off into two legs. It’s not just the nub of skin that you see between her labia—it’s actually a wishbone shape. These internal legs of the clitoris can be stimulated during intercourse, which is why a small subset of women can orgasm from intercourse itself. Sometimes women are also getting clitoral stimulation during intercourse (like if your pubic bone is rubbing against her clitoris while you thrust), but just not realizing it. If you want her to orgasm during intercourse, make sure to find ways to give her the clitoral stimulation she needs with your hands or a vibrator.
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How do I last longer?
There are lots of techniques for learning how to last longer, but the best place to start is by examining your masturbation technique. Most men tend to go for the finish line when they masturbate and have an orgasm as quickly as possible. But if you do this, you’re basically training your body to orgasm quickly. The way that you masturbate has a big impact on the way you have partnered sex.
Instead, think of how long you want to last during intercourse. That’s how long you should aim to last during masturbation, at a minimum.
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Is watching porn bad for you?
Porn can be really fun to watch. But, like with anything else in life, moderation is key. One of the major problems with porn is that you end up paying more attention to the screen than to what’s going on in your body. This can lead to a whole host of problems like erectile and orgasmic challenges. In general, I recommend that you aim to watch porn no more than half of the time you masturbate.
I also highly recommend that you check out ethical porn. The idea behind ethical porn is not that porn is inherently bad, but that we can make better porn. Namely, porn that:
treats its actors fairly, with respect and agency,
showcases more realistic sex (some ethical porn actors are actually real-life couples),
is diverse, in bodies and activities, and
doesn’t depict violence or degradation against women.
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Is masturbating too much bad for you?
Yes, it’s definitely possible to masturbate too much. For some men, masturbation can start to feel compulsive, like you don’t have control over how often you do it. It can start to interfere with your daily life and responsibilities. Masturbation can sometimes become a man’s primary coping strategy for stress or other negative emotions. If you ever start feeling nervous about how much you masturbate, I definitely recommend checking in with a sex therapist.
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Can you get a woman pregnant from pre-cum, or when she’s on her period?
Yes, and yes! Both of these questions are related to old myths you probably heard in junior high. But it’s definitely possible to get a woman pregnant from pre-cum, and it’s definitely possible to get her pregnant when she’s on her period. Unless you’re willing to take a chance, make sure you use protection every single time.
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Does the G-spot really exist?
The G-spot does exist. Remember how I mentioned the internal legs of the clitoris a few questions back? Those internal legs are in the same vicinity of the front wall of the vagina, and these legs of the clitoris can be stimulated through the walls of vagina.
The G-spot is not really a “spot” per se, but more like a network of nerve endings. Some women actually do have a little bundle of tissues in the wall of the vagina that’s about the size of a nickel and feels dense and spongy. Sometimes you can only feel it if she’s very aroused. Other women don’t have an actual structure. Either way, the area itself can feel very pleasurable for some women.
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How do I make her squirt?
First things first—you shouldn’t want to make her squirt because you want to feel like a stud. She’s not a circus act and her body doesn’t exist to boost your ego. You should want to help her experience the most pleasure she possibly can. Think of the squirting as a happy side effect—if it happens.
Ask her if she wants to explore squirting with you. Make sure she knows that it’s perfectly OK if she doesn’t want to or if she doesn’t end up squirting. I work with so many women who feel pressured to squirt, and it really sucks to feel pressured to perform in any one specific way.
If she’s on board with experimenting, the best way to make it happen is to focus on stimulating her G-spot. While she’s on her back, insert two fingers into her, with your palm side up. Make a “come here” motion with your fingers to rub up against her G-spot. The G-spot responds best to firm pressure, so keep increasing your pressure and ask her to let you know when it feels good. You can also combine it with external clitoral stimulation.
