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Every man worth his salt wants to be a stud in the sack. And if you’re reading this article, you’ve already taken a step in the right direction toward making sure your partner is satisfied. Of course, you probably clicked on this by accident because you’re unbelievable in the bedroom. But just in case you could use a reality check, we sat down with Emily Morse, sexologist, host of the Sex with Emily podcast, and co-founder of Emily & Tony, to find out what is it you’re doing wrong, and how to fix it so you’ll leave her wanting to come back for more.
The problem: You come home after thinking about sex all day and try to stick your penis in her right away. She, on the other hand, has not been thinking about sex. She’s been thinking about work, that squabble with her best friend, and what she’s making for dinner. She’s not warmed up, therefore she’s not going to enjoy it.
Fix it: “Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay—I can’t say it enough!” Morse says. You may be ready to go the second you get home, but you have to remember, sex is mostly mental for women. They have to be warmed up, physically and mentally. “Most women not only enjoy foreplay, but we need it in order to get aroused before actual intercourse,” Morse says. Foreplay can even start hours before you’re through the door. Send her a text about how much you can’t wait to see her or how beautiful she looked this morning. Then when you get home kiss and caress her before you start taking her clothes off. Foreplay isn’t a suggestion; it’s a requirement for most women.
The problem: You’re so excited about having sex or you’re not thinking about her needs, so you weakly lick her clitoris a few times or skip over going down on her altogether. You move straight into intercourse and, similarly to skipping foreplay, she’s not warmed up and therefore doesn’t enjoy sex as much as you do.
Fix it: “Go down on her like you mean it! I mean, really mean it,” Morse says. “If you really want her to enjoy sex, then you need to enjoy performing oral sex on her. Just like nothing is sexier than a woman who enjoys giving a blow job, nothing is sexier than a man who enjoys giving oral pleasure.” Only about 25 to 30% of women orgasm through intercourse, and most of these women need (and likely want) clitoral stimulation in addition to intercourse.
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The problem: You roll over after sex and tell her, “Sorry, babe, it’s just too hot,” then keep a foot of distance between you and her. Maybe you chat with her for a bit before falling asleep. Either way, you’re not up for cuddling. Or, maybe you are, but you’ve got a 60-second timer counting down in your head and never touch her for longer than that. She’s noticeably annoyed, or at this point you’ve both gotten used to the fact that you just don’t really touch after sex.
Fix it: If you’re not someone who likes to touch after sex, start off small and make some kind of physical contact a normal part of your after-sex routine. Scratch her back for a little while and lay a little closer than normal. Once you’ve scratched her back for a while, move on to a closer touch. Cuddling after sex will bring the two of you closer together. The most successful relationships have ties to after-sex cuddling, according to new research out of the University of Toronto—Mississauga. “The way you approach your partner after sex is really important to how you approach your relationship in general,” Morse says.
The problem: You’re stuck in your head during sex. You’ve thought about trying a new position you read or heard about, but you’re afraid you won’t be able to execute the move correctly or you might lose your erection. Missionary and doggy style are tried and true, so you stick with those two, and you have the same sex over and over again.
Fix it: Set aside your fears and replace them with passion. “Sex is awkward, you’re getting naked with another person and putting yourself in the most intimate setting possible,” Morse says. There will be embarrassing moments and there will be things that go wrong, but making mistakes is better than not doing anything at all. “Allow the passion of what you are experiencing to take over the fear of doing something wrong,” she says. “I guarantee your partner will find your passionate mistakes much sexier than your flat routine.”
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The problem: You want her to orgasm in order to satisfy your own ego—because sex is about you feeling satisfied with your own performance. As a result, she feels pressured to have an orgasm, which could lead her to fake it from time to time. This results in sex that is no longer pleasurable for her, and is detrimental to your partnership in general, Morse says.
Fix it: If you’re too busy thinking about your own performance, you won’t think to ask your partner what she actually wants, and you won’t be able to learn how to actually make her orgasm. “A confident man will ask for direction and will learn what his partner wants,” Morse says.
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The problem: You approach every woman as if there is a formula, assuming all woman can orgasm the same way, and there is a simple trick to make that happen. You don’t bother to ask a woman what she likes or how she wants to be touched once the two of you step inside the bedroom.
Fix it: “Every woman is different, so you should approach every woman differently,” Morse says. Once you’re getting to the point of intimacy with a woman, it’s time to ask her what she likes. She may be making noises to let you know she likes something you’re doing, but there could be something she really wants you to do that she would tell you about if you just asked. “A woman is not a secret combination box in which you have to figure out the code, simply ask her and she’ll gladly let you know what she likes,” Morse says.
The problem: When a woman is into it, she will say something, anything! Yes, there are women who aren’t loud in bed, but consistent silence indicates that she isn’t enjoying herself and possibly doesn’t think it’s worth it to speak up. “Silence after the fact can be another sign that she didn’t enjoy herself,” Morse says. If you’re lying there panting, telling her how incredible that was, and she’s got nothing to say, she wasn’t that into it.
The fix: Before things heat up, let her know that it really turns you on when she tells you what she likes, and what she wants. Afterward, skip the “Was it good for you?” and start the conversation by telling her which parts you really enjoyed. Then ask her if there was anything she especially liked, anything she would want more of or what she would like you to do differently.
The problem: “If you’ve barely even touched her and she’s carrying on like a porn star, chances are she’s acting out more pleasure than she’s actually feeling,” Morse says. Reports show that roughly 80% of women admit to making sex sounds and moans, whether they are actually going to climax or not. They’re doing this partially to enhance their partner’s experience, but also because they’re insecure about not being able to orgasm. “Either way, you should be the reason she is making sounds—and when the sounds and the movements don’t match up, something is off,” Morse says.
The fix: Let her know that it really makes you hot hearing that she is enjoying herself, but that you would like to know what specific things feel best for her.
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The problem: You have some penis problems in the bedroom, but you never address them.
The fix: Talk to her about it. It’s already the elephant in the room and she notices that you’re not staying hard for long, experiencing premature ejaculation, or you just can’t ejaculate at all (delayed ejaculation). “Women are not as worried about this issue as you are, that is, until you completely ignore it, or worse, just let it happen and then roll over and fall asleep without giving a second thought to pleasing her,” Morse says. Let her know that this happens to you sometimes, and it doesn’t mean you’re not attracted to her or you’re unaware there is an issue. Tell her you’re working on it. You can even bring her into the solution: You need to slow down sometimes in the middle of intercourse, you’re working on strengthening your stamina, and you’d love her to be patient with you while you still do everything in your power to please her.
The problem: You make the assumption that because you came, she came, too. Or you really don’t give much thought to it at all.
The fix: Rule of thumb: she comes first. Make sure that she is always pleased before you are. That way you can still have your happy ending knowing that she had her needs met as well. “Many men assume that just because they were satisfied, and she didn’t say anything afterwards, you had the green light to roll over and go to sleep,” Morse says. “If you’re not sure if she had an orgasm, she probably didn’t. And if you’ve never given any thought to her orgasm at all, you’ve got bigger problems.” Just because you asked her once or twice if she was satisfied and she says something like, “No worries, I’m fine,” or she mentioned she doesn’t orgasm every time, that doesn’t mean she wasn’t incredibly turned on by you and still wants an orgasm, even if she didn’t experience it through intercourse.
Make sure that even if you’ve already released, you muster up the strength to please her whether it’s with your fingers, mouth, or a sex toy. She’ll know that her satisfaction is important to you, and will feel more relaxed during intercourse knowing that if she doesn’t climax before you do, she’ll still have fun with you afterwards.
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