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Sex shouldn’t be a tricky subject, but it often is. You may be ready for a casual, no-strings-attached sexual relationship, but that doesn’t mean she’s on the same page. Before you get in too deep, here are five signs that she’s not the right girl to jump into bed with—at least, not yet.
Confidence is sexy. And insecurity is, well, a good sign that you might want to wait before sleeping with her, says sex therapist Kat Van Kirk, author of The Married Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide to Saving Your Sex Life. “Women with poor self-esteem could often look for validation through sex,” Van Kirk explains. “She could get attached very quickly.” A woman who’s always denigrating herself—especially her looks—isn’t the best choice for a casual relationship.
You don’t have to be rich to attract people who want to take advantage of you. If she gives off a sense of entitlement—for example, if she never offers to pay for a date, or she talks about previous relationships as though they were transactions—sex with her probably comes with some pricey strings attached. “You want to try to figure out her value system,” Van Kirk says. “Does she think sex is enjoyable, or does she see it as a way of getting what she wants?”
Party girls are often awesome—but if you’ve never seen her sober, it’s time to step away. “If she can’t have fun without getting drunk, that’s a sign she’s uncomfortable with the situation,” Van Kirk explains. “It’s also a sign that she may not have great judgment in general.” Plus, there’s the obvious issue of consent—she can’t consent to sex if she’s intoxicated.
Her sexual past is not really an issue, unless it could affect you. Don’t worry about how many previous partners she has (or hasn’t) had, but do worry if she never mentions protection or safe sex—especially when things start to get heated. “Both parties need to be responsible for their own safety,” Van Kirk says. “If she doesn’t seem worried about her health, she’s probably not worried about yours either.”
You finally have a chance to sleep with the girl who’s been in long-term relationships since the day you met her. But that doesn’t mean you should take that chance, according to relationship expert Tracy Thomas, Ph.D. “People who are always in relationships often have no sense of who they are as an individual,” Thomas explains. “If her identity has always been as part of a couple, she may become very clingy and co-dependent if you sleep with her.” That doesn’t mean she’s completely off-limits—just know what you could be getting into.