You like doing it with the lights on because you like to watch; she wants the lights off because she feels insecure and knows you’re watching. The solution?  

Tammy Nelson, Ph.D, psychotherapist and sex therapist: Candlelight sets a romantic tone and is very flattering. She’ll look and feel beautiful and will know you put thought into setting the mood. Light as many candles as you want, the more the better. You’ll see more of her, and she’ll feel more into you.

Or toss a light scarf over the lamp next to the bed. Just be careful not to fall asleep—both could be fire hazards.

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Moushumi Ghose, psychotherapist and sex therapist: It’s pretty common for women in our society to be a little self-conscious, but take it from me—big, bright, garish ceiling lights that make her feel like she’s at the office just really aren’t sexy.

Try leaving the lights on but dimming them. (If you don’t have a dimmer, you’ll need to buy one.) You can also try some attractive, strategically placed lamps with soft, lower-watt light bulbs. Christmas lights are nice, too. You’ll still be able to see her body, but she’ll feel sexier with soft lighting that will accentuate her features.

Michael Aaron, Ph.D., psychotherapist and sex counselor: You seem to be a typical guy who enjoys the visual, but darkness may help her focus more on sensations. Ask her what she means by ‘not romantic,'” he suggests. What’s she missing with the lights on? Find middle ground. 


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Jena Friedman, writer and comic: It sounds like you just need to be more compelling in persuading her to have sex with the lights on, so really hammer into her how sexy she looks when you can see her whole body.

If that doesn’t work, you could scare her into it. Maybe tell her about how one time you had sex without the lights on and something terrible happened, like a dog got involved, or someone got strangled by the bed sheets. You can be really creative with this one.

And if that doesn’t work, do something sketchy when the lights are off, like “accidentally” put your butt in her face. That might inspire her to light a damn candle.

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