Women are anything but discreet. Guys may give a shrug or thumbs-up when asked how she was last night, but girls will cover every gory, gruesome—and downright dirty—detail. With that in mind, here’s the lowdown on what she’ll most likely say about your performance in the cold light of day.

1.) Your willingness to go south  
Women love explorers. If you’re not one, we will not be remiss to disclose it and openly lament that we are devastatingly disappointed.

Tip: Take the plunge, right then and there. Don’t wait. Tell her you just didn’t know if she’d be comfortable with you down there. And don’t believe the alphabet trick. Instead, try swirls, laps, and zigzags—and listen for a moan. Trust us: The payback is well worth it.

2.) Your manscaping
Hair. Too much or too little is just as bad. If you don’t have one hair on your body because you waxed yourself bare, it creeps us out. And if the foliage is wild, it’s not too, um, appetizing.

Tip: If birds can nest in your chest, invest in a HeadBlade kit—a razor and personal shaver just for guys. But never shave your chest or huevos. Stubble hurts, there’s no getting around it.

3.) Your size
We know, it’s messed up, but we do talk about the size of your penis. How much we do so is indirectly related to how much we like you.

Tip: Too small, see No. 1—then we won’t give a damn what size you are. Too big? (And, yes, there is too big.) Enter with caution and stock up on lube.

4.) Your ability to make her hit the high note
Whether you gave her an orgasm she’ll never forget, used a finger move that had her G-spot trembling, or jackhammered her until she was unhappily bruised, chances are, she will talk about it.

Tip: Don’t stop until she’s had one. Ever.