5 tips to kinky sex you can actually pull off

So things have gotten a bit stale in the bedroom and you’re looking for ways to reignite the spark and spice things up. One option: pushing the limits with kinkier sex.

Problem is, if she’s on the shy side, getting her to try anything new can feel like pulling teeth (not a fetish we recommend, by the way). The fix: focus on foreplay. If you master the art of making her feel comfortable, getting her to explore her wilder side will be easy. We sat down with Dr. Gloria Brame, a certified sex therapist and author of Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex to get expert advice on how to get her equally on board about trying something new.

“Before you invest in equipment, try having kinky sex with your hands and minds,” advises Brame. “The best way to figure out if you’re kinky (and just how kinky you are) is if you and your partner explore role-play or light bondage and spanking first. Your best toy will always be your own creativity.”

“To help control your kinky play, use a safe word: a word that the ‘bottom’ or ‘submissive’ can blurt out if the intensity is too much for them,” says Brame. “Pick something you wouldn’t usually say during sex so the ‘top’ or ‘dominant’ hears it loud and clear and can stop without feeling confused about whether that ‘no, no, please don’t’ actually meant, ‘don’t stop!’”

“Build up to kink through dialogue and teasing,” Brame suggests. “Before you play, exchange texts and e-mails with your partner, detailing what you want to do to them or get done to you. If they don’t like something, scratch it off the list and think of something else. Pay attention to what your partner wants so you can use that later. Play off each other all day so that by the time you see each other, you both have clear ideas [and clear consent] about what is going to happen.”

“Always know how to get out of whatever you get into in a hurry,” says Brame. “If you are going to do some bondage, always have a way to release the person—fast. If you use handcuffs or other locking restraints, put the keys in easy reach.”

“Kink is supposed to be fun,” says Brame. “If you or your partner is not having fun, stop and see if talking about it helps. If not, you may just need to try a different technique, or worst-case scenario, you might need to try a different partner.”