Q: “Every time I try to give my girlfriend oral sex, she pushes me away. I just don’t understand it! Am I doing something wrong?”

A: So you know how you’re proud of your penis, joke about how awesome it is, and like to have your hands on it while you watch TV? Well, some girls grow up with pretty opposite feelings about their parts. Many women—even grown women who are confident in most other areas of their lives—are still a little uncomfortable with their vaginas. And chances are, this is the major reason your girlfriend isn’t letting you down there.

Seriously, a lot of women can’t even say the word “vagina.” And if they’re too embarrassed to go that far, you can bet they’re not going to be comfortable with having someone’s face in it. Your best move is to help her feel more comfortable. Initiate a conversation about it. Say, “You never seem to want me to go down on you. Why do you stop me?” Keep the conversation framed around your experience with her as opposed to asking her straight up, “So…how do you feel about your vagina?” You’re not a self-help guru, you’re her boyfriend. And while the goal may be to make her more comfortable with her body, remember this isn’t a “love your vagina” intervention, either. It’s a discussion about your sex life. (I’m all for the vag love interventions, but I’m just not sure you’re the one who should throw that party).

Check out: 10 Things She’s Really Thinking About Your Penis>>

Another thing you can do to help her feel more comfortable is to compliment her on how amazing you think it is. You love the way it looks, feels, smells. I understand those words may feel a little creepy coming out of your mouth, but even if she seems a bit thrown off by them, there is part of her that will enjoy the positive feedback. Think about it, how often does a girl get vagina compliments? Usually when there’s talk of vaginas, it’s about how “gross” it is that they bleed, the possibility that they might smell, or why girls need to wax off every single pube before letting it out to play. It’s really not that shocking that so many women feel so insecure about this part of our bodies…we’ve grown up being told we should be! The more you can help counteract the discomfort your girlfriend likely feels, the more she’ll be able to enjoy all sorts of sex.

Finally, really knowing what you’re doing down there could give her the extra nudge she needs to feel more comfortable—or even if she’s not comfortable, she may not be able to resist. Ask her what she likes, and make her give you directions. Don’t settle for “I don’t know;” take the time to explore different positions and ways of touching her. The more comfortable she feels with you, the better your sex life will be—whether it eventually includes you going down on her or not.

Remember too, that ultimately this is about her, not you. If she’s doesn’t enjoy it, she doesn’t enjoy it. You shouldn’t push her to do something she’s not comfortable with, even if the aim of that something is to please her.

See also: 4 Ways to Improve Your Oral Sex Skills>>

About the Hot Girl : Amber Madison is an author, lecturer, sex and relationship expert and dating coach. She has appeared on MTV, VH1, The Today Show, NPR, The Early Show, The Bill Cunningham Show; has been quoted in Newsweek, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, Glamour, and Cosmopolitan; and writes a dating column for The Metro.