Ask Men’s Fitness: I say it’s about five quickies to every long, involved session, but my girlfriend thinks it’s more like 1–to-1. I know she wants to feel special, but a good sex life is three to four times a week, no? Do I need to drop rose petals on the bed and take two hours to get it on each time? – CHRIS T., MIAMI, FL

Most women don’t experience orgasms from quickies, so if you’re saying you want five orgasms to every one she has, is that fair?

Probably, as a guy, you’re usually ready to go, but women need to be aroused to want sex. If she’s telling you she wants a 1-to-1 ratio, she may be saying quickies don’t get her off. So it might not be a “desire gap” but an “arousal gap.”

What to do? First, try using quickies to generate the arousal she needs to desire more sex. If you take the goal of your own orgasm off the table and, say, commit to a 15-minute nonorgasm quickie, I promise you’ll be surprised where it leads.

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You can also expand your definition of a quickie to include her orgasm. And get creative—quickies can be make-out sessions; hot, teasing oral sex; or 15 minutes with a vibrator. Design them using all the types of sex that make for a good balance: sex for lovemaking and emotional connection; fantasy sex; sensual sex involving sound, touch, and taste; sex to relieve stress; sex for the sake of sex.

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Of course, you can also agree that sometimes a quickie doesn’t have to be mutually orgasmic; the point is to talk and set expectations.

If, after you try these ideas, your libido still outstrips hers, take more responsibility for your orgasm (i.e., masturbate), but also try to help her understand that sometimes you may need some good old-fashioned charity sex. That might do the trick.

Ian Kerner, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and sex counselor. 

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