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She may “ooh” and “ahh” at all the right times but that doesn’t mean she’s actually feelin’ it. But you already knew that—and that’s precisely why you’re here, right?
When it comes to your ability to please your bedroom buddy, there’s both good news and bad news. First the good: According to one 2014 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, men slightly underestimate how satisfied their partners are in bed. Which means there’s a good chance she’s into it despite your doubts. The bad news? That doesn’t mean there aren’t women out there who wish that their sex life was a bit spicier. To help clue you into the signs that she’s not satisfied in bed, we talked to Megan Fleming, Ph.D. a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. Here, she reveals what signs could indicate her feelings are running cold and exactly how to make things right so she’ll be begging you for a second round. Read on to get in the know.
1. She’s Doesn’t Give Feedback
If you feel like she’s mentally checked out or she’ not responsive to your touch or verbal cues, “this could be an indicator she’s not feeling pleasure or that she’s not in the mood,” Fleming tells us. That said, some girls are shy and quiet in bed, and if that’s the case, she may not outright say that she’s loving your moves. Sound like your lady? Look for physical signs she’s enjoying herself. Panting, flushed skin, curled toes, and an arched back are all telltale signs you’re turning her on and pleasuring her. If she’s not into it, none of these things will be evident and she may just lie there.
2. She Plays Director
On the other end of the spectrum, if she’s constantly telling you to “go faster” or “do it like this,” it may be a sign that you’re not giving her pleasure. But since she’s trying to help you improve, this shouldn’t be viewed as a bad thing, but rather as a learning experience. “If she’s giving you guidance and feedback, see the value of learning her preferred turn-ons,” says Fleming. “If she’s constantly giving you feedback she wants to help you get it right for her. If in the moment her suggestions leave you feeling like you can’t get it right no matter what you try, let her know that although well-intentioned, her instructions weren’t helpful.” Think a demo or video could help you better understand? Tell her that.
3. She Goes to Bed at a Different Time
—and this is a new behavior. If your girlfriend has always gone to bed early on Sundays or super late on Quantico nights, don’t sweat it. But if this is a new thing for her, she may be trying to avoid intimacy because she’s feels you guys are in a sexual rut or she’s not happy with your performance. But before you freak out, know this: “It might also be because she has new pressures in the office and is exhausted or is simply not in the mood,” explains Fleming, adding, “Get curious and learn more. Ask her what conditions would need to shift or change for her to be excited to go to bed with you.”
4. She Doesn’t Want to Have Sex
It may be you and not her. “When your partner becomes less interested in sex, it’s time to get really curious and ask questions to learn more about what she feels is missing and what she would need from you to become more interested. The most important thing is that you don’t jump to conclusions,” says Fleming. You may discover that she wants to mix things up, or that she doesn’t like your go-to move, but you’ll likely learn other valuable information, too. “There are many reasons women may not be interested in having sex. Get a sense of what’s going on in her life. Does she have more work demands? Has her noisy roommate been waking her up in the middle of the night? Have you recently had difficulties staying aroused or have you been reaching orgasm quickly? There are a number of things that could be at play.”
5. She Doesn’t Want to Cuddle Afterwards
If she’s never been an after-sex snuggler, this likely isn’t cause for alarm, but if she’s always trying to be little spoon and then suddenly stops, something may be going on. “There are a number of reasons a woman may not want to cuddle after sex, and yes, one of them is that she’s not satisfied. If you’ve noticed a recent change in her sexual behavior or interest use it as an opportunity to discover her turn-ons and desires,” suggests Fleming.
6. She Talks About Other People’s “Great” Sex Lives
By now you probably know that not all women are direct. Sometimes we like to drop hints because we don’t feel comfortable flat out saying what’s on our mind. And that may be what’s going on here. If she keeps telling you about her BFF’s hot sex life, it could be her way of communicating to you that she’s not happy with what you guys have got going on between the sheets—and she wants to spice things up! So what’s your next move? “Express interest and ask her to tell you more!” advises Fleming. “Ask her what makes their sex lives hot and find out if they’ve done anything she’s up for trying with you.” This gives you the opportunity to give her exactly what she craves.
7. She Doesn’t Care if She Orgasms
This one doesn’t hold true for all women so before jumping to any conclusions, it’s important to stop and think about your partner. “Some women enjoy sex for the pleasure and connection and aren’t particularly attached to whether or not they have an orgasm. Other women desire and strive for an orgasm every time,” explains Fleming. “Some women have never had an orgasm and may or may not want you to take on that challenge. Find out what her orgasm means to her, and don’t simply assume she doesn’t care about having one because you’re not pleasuring her.” That said, if she’s previously been focused on reaching the big O every time you have sex and that’s no longer the case she may have stopped trying to go over the edge because she doesn’t think you can get her there.