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You’re pretty good in bed—if you do say so yourself—so why doesn’t your girlfriend orgasm every time the two of you jump between the sheets for a quickie? Well, her orgasm doesn’t rely on just one part of her anatomy, that’s why. Her orgasm is a full body experience, which means you need to make love to her entire body, says sex therapist Jane Greer.
Need proof? This 2014 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that lesbians are significantly more likely to experience orgasm with partners. The researchers hypothesized this difference exists because women are more comfortable and familiar with female bodies, and are thus better able to induce orgasm in female partners. In other words—if you know her body as well as she does, she’ll have no problem reaching the big ‘O’ with you.
Challenge accepted: Here’s what you need to do.
1. Start Early
The key to her orgasm is arousal—the more time you spend warming her up, the easier it will be for her to get off when the main event rolls around. That’s why Greer, author of What About Me?: Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, suggests starting your foreplay before you get into the bedroom—way before. “Send her a sexy text message from the office, or call her on your break to tell her how you can’t wait to be inside her,” Greer says. “Anticipation is a powerful aphrodisiac.”
2. Do Foreplay Right
You know not to skip foreplay, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing it correctly. If she’s not already aroused, going straight for her breasts or down below isn’t going to feel very good at all, Greer says. “It’s not about what you do so much as it’s about when you do it,” Greer explains. “Parts of her body, such as her nipples, will be too sensitive if she’s not sexually excited yet.” Greer suggests starting with slow, seductive kissing and moving to other (non-sexual) parts of her body, such as the nape of her neck and her lower back.
3. Talk to Her
Physical arousal isn’t the only thing you should focus on, says licensed marriage and family therapist Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. Kerner suggests making love to her mind as much as you make love to her body—and you can do this with words. But don’t worry, dirty talk doesn’t have to be dirty (though it obviously can be). “Try sharing a fantasy with her, and couch it as a dream or daydream,” Kerner says. “This lets her know that it’s not necessarily something you want to do, it’s just something you fantasize about.” Positioning her as the center of your fantasies boosts her confidence—and the more confident and comfortable she is, the closer her orgasm will be.
4. It’s All About the Clitoris
The female orgasm might seem complicated, but it’s not. Her clitoris is definitely the powerhouse you want to be focusing on. Here’s what you do, according to Kerner: Lie on your side, behind her, and drape your arm over her hips. Using a toy (such as the the Lelo Lily 2) or your hand, gently stimulate her clitoris, letting her set the rhythm. Many women will be able to orgasm from these ministrations alone, but you can also enter her from behind and continue to stimulate her clitoris if you want to really push her over the edge.
5. Get in the Groove—and Stay There
She’s hot, she’s moaning, and she’s matching your rhythm perfectly—but you’re worried she’s getting bored with missionary, so you decide to switch positions. Bad idea, Kerner says. “Guys often try to introduce too much variety into sex,” Kerner says. “But once you’re in a groove, the best thing to do is stick with it—changing positions will set her orgasm back, and she’ll have to start all over.” (Kerner blames porn for your desire to flip-book through sex positions.) Don’t worry—this doesn’t mean you need to stick with one or two positions for the rest of your life, or even for the rest of the session. Many women are capable of having multiple orgasms, which means sex isn’t over when she comes—just wait until she hits it at least once before you mix it up.