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PROBLEM: Someone asks you out, via text, and you’re not interested. Do you respond or give the person the silent treatment?
AZIZ SAYS: “We actually prefer to be lied to. Write back: ‘Sorry, can’t do dinner tomorrow. I’m leaving on a secret mission with the space program! When I return to Earth, I will have barely aged at all, but you’ll be 78 years old. I just don’t think it’s a good time for me.'”
PROBLEM: You’re leaving the country, and you forget to call your girlfriend to say goodbye. Later, you tell her you were busy packing, but she doesn’t buy it: On Instagram your friend posted a picture of you playing with a vintage Polaroid camera before the flight.
AZIZ SAYS: When Valentine’s Day rolls around, ask if she remembers the incident, and then say: “Well, the reason I was doing that is I bought you this nice vintage Polaroid camera and I was just making sure it worked before I gave it to you.” Ansari did this with his actual girlfriend, and she felt horrible. “It was the greatest Valentine’s Day gift I’ve ever received.”
PROBLEM: You stay out at bars until 4 a.m., worried that if you go home, you’ll miss that magical woman who shows up at 3:35 a.m.
AZIZ SAYS: When you hit 30, “you realize how fruitless trying to find love by barhopping can be. You know statistically the smartest thing for you to do when you walk into a bar is go to the bathroom, jerk off, and leave.”