According to How to F*ck a Woman, a new book by Ali Adler, the way into a woman’s heart (OK, pants) begins with learning a few foreign phrases for men: “H*w was your day?” “I u*derstand,” and, shudder: “I’m s*rry.” “I’ve tried to show how f*cking isn’t the act only but all the emotional and physical steps leading to it,” says Adler, a gay comedy writer—a point she drives home by not actually getting to the f*cking part until Chapter 8.

But once there, she’s explicit. On kissing: “Your tongue is not a Mars rover, programmed to bring saliva samples back to NASA.” On breasts: “Regardless of the noises she may be making, don’t keep up a too constant, too strong grip. Stop as soon as she gets too used to something.” And on the clitoris: “Please don’t take a run at the thing. You don’t want to squash it. You sidle up next to it, and, like a magnet and iron, allow it to lean toward you. It’s a bull’s-eye, but the area around it is also very sensitive, so those points count, too.”

Of course, to get her into bed at all, you’ll need smarts and patience. “Listen, don’t fix,” Adler says. “Think of your penis as a microphone, not a screwdriver.”

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