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There’s no bigger buzz kill than having a girl you’ve been dying to hook up with turn into a disappointment in the sack. Before you kick her to the curb indefinitely, try these tips to better her game without hurting her feelings.
SHE’S . . . A BITER
Even if you’re the kind of guy who likes a love nip every now and then, teeth during a blow job is a deal- breaker of astronomical proportions.
What to do: Without embarrassing her, gasp slightly and say, “Watch your teeth on the goods, baby.” Hold back the urge to elaborate with jokes about being so large her jaw can’t handle you. Instead, guide her hands to hold the bottom of your shaft so she can tongue your head without including her molars in the process. If she does “scrape the rim,” an audible “ouch” and good-natured laugh should get the point across without being unsportsmanlike.
SHE’S . . . A ONE-POSITION PONY
All kinky and hot for you on the dance floor, in bed she plays dead.
What to do: The next time you’re doing it, turn on some sexy, rhythmic music. Then, while you’re still inside her, flip her over in one fell swoop, moving her from her back over on top of you. This way, you give her a beat to work with while also ensuring that she can’t get away without doing any work.
SHE’S . . . A JUNGLE WARRIOR
Her hair down there is so dense you need a bushwhacker to find the man in the boat.
What to do: Give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she hasn’t had to trim for a man in a while and was using her winter muff to keep warm. Chances are she’ll dig out the trimmer for date number two. If not, break out some couples-friendly porn and make sure you comment on the fine coifs being sported by the girls.
SHE’S . . . RANK
Sure, those beads of sweat looked hot when she was on the mechanical bull or gyrating with her girlfriend on top of the bar, but now she’s dry and starting to smell like the inside of your sneakers.
What to do: Suggest hopping into the shower together so you can get her out of those foul clothes. Then lather her up good to wash away the B.O. Just be careful not to get any soap inside her. Even if you’re having fun and the suds seem like a good idea, they can lead to yeast infections. And if that happens, she won’t be calling you for a good, Monistat-long week.