What if I told you that a quarter of everything your girlfriend said to you was a straight up lie? You’d probably call my bluff—and you’d be right. But not because I’m exaggerating. That number is actually worse—at least according to Texas A&M University research. In their study, researchers found that dating couples lie to each other about 33 percent of the time.
There is a bit of good news, though. Researchers found that most lies were of the white variety: People lied about emotions, opinions, personal accomplishments, and other things that are relatively harmless. Still, it’s unnerving how much finger crossing is going on!
Of course both parties—men and women—can be guilty, but here we’re focusing on the ladies. Women are dishonest for a number of reasons, says Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie. “They may lie to placate or protect their partner, or to make themselves appear in a better light.” Dr. Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist and marriage therapist agrees, adding, “Women will often say that they lie because they don’t want to hurt their partner. However, when it comes to ‘white lies’ I find that women often lie to protect themselves from their partner’s potential negative reaction.”
But even if your boo’s dishonesty isn’t always malicious, no one wants to date a Pinocchio. So how can you tell if your S.O. is being straight with you? Listen for these common phrases—and use our expert tips to get her to fess up to the truth.
Hate to break it to you, but if she dated the guy for more than a month or two, this simply isn’t true. “Women almost always lie about the feelings they had for previous boyfriends,” Barash tells us. “Often because they want to come off as a ‘good girl,’ or someone who didn’t need to be with many men before finding ‘the one.’ She may also simply want to protect your feelings.” It’s best to simply let this fib slide. She’s with you now and that’s all that should matter.
2 of 9
“That was great.”
She may “ooh” and “ahh” at all the right times, heck, she may even straight up tell you she loves your moves, but that doesn’t mean she’s being honest about how much she enjoys your bedroom skills. If that’s the case, why doesn’t she just tell you what she needs to get her over the edge? “Some women never learned to communicate about their pleasure and don’t have the comfort or vocabulary to convey what they want in bed,” explains Van Kirk. To tell if she’s into it, rely on her body language instead. Panting, flushed skin, curled toes, and an arched back are all telltale signs you’re turning her on and pleasuring her. If none of these things are evident but she still claims she enjoyed herself, call her bluff (but be nice!) and ask her what you can do to make it better for her next time.
3 of 9
“I’ll be ready in five minutes.”
She’s likely not trying to annoy you by being dishonest, she probably just doesn’t realize how long it actually takes her to finish her makeup or pack up her handbag for the night. The main takeaway here: when she says she’ll be ready in five, settle in and get ready to wait for at least 15 minutes. If you’re lucky, she’ll be ready in 10. If this is a fib that really irks you, let her know and ask her to try to make more accurate estimates in the future.
4 of 9
“This purse was on sale”
It probably wasn’t. Women often try to come off as low maintenance, so she may be embarrassed about how much she spends. She may also be nervous you’ll judge her. When it comes to clothing, accessories, and beauty services, men tend to have trouble wrapping their heads around the cost. “This is a very common lie,” says Barash. “Even if the woman works and pays for all of this herself, she’s still likely to lie in order not to be judged by her partner. If he’s the one paying, women feel the need to lie in order to keep the peace and to continue shopping and doing what they like.
5 of 9
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“I’ve only slept with two men.”
While it may come off as stereotypical to claim that women downplay their number of sexual interactions, a study published in the journal Microbiome actually confirmed that this is almost always true—as do sex and relationship experts who weren’t involved with the study. “Women tend to minimize how many sexual partners they’ve had so they can come off as being ‘relationship material.’ Other times, she is already judging herself harshly and chooses to lie in order to not have to feel bad about herself,” explains Van Kirk. Unsure if your boo is being honest? Van Kirk says a woman that tends to avoid the topic or gives inconsistent answers to questions about her sexual past, may be lying. But tread carefully if you choose to confront her about it. Remember: she’s likely only lying because she doesn’t want you to think less of her or doesn’t want to re-live decisions she’s not proud of.
6 of 9
“The birthday gift you gave me was great!”
Unless you give your honey something she specifically said she wanted, you run the risk of her having to lie about how much she loves your gift. “Women will be polite, thank their boyfriends without expressing their disappointment—all the while figuring out how to avoid such a dismal result next time,” says Barash. She likely won’t fess up to disliking the gift because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, so your best bet is to avoid the situation altogether by doing some digging beforehand (her friends are great people to get ideas from), and only gifting her something you’re sure she’ll love.
7 of 9
“We’re just friends. He’s not into me.”
While it may be true that your girlfriend’s male BFF isn’t into her romantically, she may still downplay their relationship so you don’t feel threatened, explains Barash. “Women lie about their level of attachment to male friends because they don’t want upset their partners. Many men do not believe that a platonic friendship can exist between a woman and a man so women feel forced to lie,” Barash tells us. If you want her to be more upfront about her relationship with Danny from work or Bill from her college days, you’ll need to make it very clear you’re not threatened or bothered by their relationship.
8 of 9
“I love hanging out with your friends.”
Think about your inner circle for a second. “If your girlfriend exhibits a lot of jealousy towards time spent with your friends, asks a million questions about where and what you’re doing, or tries to keep you socially overscheduled, she likely doesn’t enjoy their company,” Van Kirk says, adding, “It can help to talk about both of your self-care and the time you invest in your relationship. This way you both get time individually, time with your friends, and time to spend together.”
9 of 9
“You Have the Biggest I’ve Even Seen”
Let’s be honest, guys: If you’re that big, you probably know it. So if she tells you you’re huge, and you’re relatively average-sized, she’s probably just stroking your ego. But in this case, it’s best to just let it go. “Women want their partners to feel good about themselves. Our culture emphasizes how men are supposed to be ‘good in bed’ and well endowed and it’s a compliment women feel should be given,” explains Barash.
Hate to break it to you, but if she dated the guy for more than a month or two, this simply isn’t true. “Women almost always lie about the feelings they had for previous boyfriends,” Barash tells us. “Often because they want to come off as a ‘good girl,’ or someone who didn’t need to be with many men before finding ‘the one.’ She may also simply want to protect your feelings.” It’s best to simply let this fib slide. She’s with you now and that’s all that should matter.
“That was great.”
She may “ooh” and “ahh” at all the right times, heck, she may even straight up tell you she loves your moves, but that doesn’t mean she’s being honest about how much she enjoys your bedroom skills. If that’s the case, why doesn’t she just tell you what she needs to get her over the edge? “Some women never learned to communicate about their pleasure and don’t have the comfort or vocabulary to convey what they want in bed,” explains Van Kirk. To tell if she’s into it, rely on her body language instead. Panting, flushed skin, curled toes, and an arched back are all telltale signs you’re turning her on and pleasuring her. If none of these things are evident but she still claims she enjoyed herself, call her bluff (but be nice!) and ask her what you can do to make it better for her next time.
“I'll be ready in five minutes.”
She’s likely not trying to annoy you by being dishonest, she probably just doesn’t realize how long it actually takes her to finish her makeup or pack up her handbag for the night. The main takeaway here: when she says she’ll be ready in five, settle in and get ready to wait for at least 15 minutes. If you’re lucky, she’ll be ready in 10. If this is a fib that really irks you, let her know and ask her to try to make more accurate estimates in the future.
“This purse was on sale”
It probably wasn’t. Women often try to come off as low maintenance, so she may be embarrassed about how much she spends. She may also be nervous you’ll judge her. When it comes to clothing, accessories, and beauty services, men tend to have trouble wrapping their heads around the cost. “This is a very common lie,” says Barash. “Even if the woman works and pays for all of this herself, she’s still likely to lie in order not to be judged by her partner. If he’s the one paying, women feel the need to lie in order to keep the peace and to continue shopping and doing what they like.
“I’ve only slept with two men.”
While it may come off as stereotypical to claim that women downplay their number of sexual interactions, a study published in the journal Microbiome actually confirmed that this is almost always true—as do sex and relationship experts who weren’t involved with the study. “Women tend to minimize how many sexual partners they’ve had so they can come off as being ‘relationship material.’ Other times, she is already judging herself harshly and chooses to lie in order to not have to feel bad about herself,” explains Van Kirk. Unsure if your boo is being honest? Van Kirk says a woman that tends to avoid the topic or gives inconsistent answers to questions about her sexual past, may be lying. But tread carefully if you choose to confront her about it. Remember: she’s likely only lying because she doesn’t want you to think less of her or doesn’t want to re-live decisions she’s not proud of.
“The birthday gift you gave me was great!”
Unless you give your honey something she specifically said she wanted, you run the risk of her having to lie about how much she loves your gift. “Women will be polite, thank their boyfriends without expressing their disappointment—all the while figuring out how to avoid such a dismal result next time,” says Barash. She likely won’t fess up to disliking the gift because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, so your best bet is to avoid the situation altogether by doing some digging beforehand (her friends are great people to get ideas from), and only gifting her something you’re sure she’ll love.
“We’re just friends. He’s not into me.”
While it may be true that your girlfriend’s male BFF isn’t into her romantically, she may still downplay their relationship so you don’t feel threatened, explains Barash. “Women lie about their level of attachment to male friends because they don’t want upset their partners. Many men do not believe that a platonic friendship can exist between a woman and a man so women feel forced to lie,” Barash tells us. If you want her to be more upfront about her relationship with Danny from work or Bill from her college days, you’ll need to make it very clear you’re not threatened or bothered by their relationship.
“I love hanging out with your friends.”
Think about your inner circle for a second. “If your girlfriend exhibits a lot of jealousy towards time spent with your friends, asks a million questions about where and what you’re doing, or tries to keep you socially overscheduled, she likely doesn’t enjoy their company,” Van Kirk says, adding, “It can help to talk about both of your self-care and the time you invest in your relationship. This way you both get time individually, time with your friends, and time to spend together.”
“You Have the Biggest I’ve Even Seen”
Let’s be honest, guys: If you’re that big, you probably know it. So if she tells you you’re huge, and you’re relatively average-sized, she’s probably just stroking your ego. But in this case, it’s best to just let it go. “Women want their partners to feel good about themselves. Our culture emphasizes how men are supposed to be ‘good in bed’ and well endowed and it’s a compliment women feel should be given,” explains Barash.
