1) She gives you a crisp new shirt for no reason, then asks you to put it on right away. The next day you find your favorite tees stashed deep in the back of your closet.
How to Handle It: If the shirt’s cool, great-but if you think it sucks, wear it out for just one date. She’ll be touched that you did. Then, when you get home, immediately toss it in the trash. If she asks what happened, tell her you accidentally spilled something on it and had to throw it away. Come up with some new variation of the story to go with every additional sucky piece of clothing she gives you. Eventually, she’s bound to give up-or run out of money.
2) She grimaces when you order the 32-ounce rib eye and suggests you order the chicken instead.
How to Handle It: Forgo the gargantuan rib eye and fries; instead, get the filet mignon with a baked potato. Yes, it’s actually the same damn thing, but for some reason, it will register as more grown-up to her.
3) She “accidentally” plans outings for you that always fall on the same night you hang out with the guys playing poker or hitting the bar.
How to Handle It: First, tell her she rocks for snagging you the concert tickets/playoff seats/party invites. Then, remind her that this is one night a week that you can’t miss, come hell or high water. Once the dust settles, call up the boys and tell them you’ll see them next week. But refuse to change your plans next Wednesday and the Wednesday after that. Otherwise, there’s a chance you may never regain control of your calendar.
4) She pretends to be running her fingers through your hair when she’s actually restyling it.
How to Handle It: Rub your head into her hands in your best golden Lab impersonation. While she styles, you can trick her into giving you the longest head massage possible. Before brushing it back the way you’re used to wearing it, do yourself a favor and check out your new do in the mirror. As much as you might not want to, you just may prefer the modification.
5) She replaces your framed Scarface poster with some cutesy picture and discreetly adds junk like potpourri to your bathroom.
How to Handle It: Explain to her that the poster is not so much to celebrate the violence and bloodshed in the movie as it is about understanding morals regarding manhood. Then, find a nice out-of-the-way wall where you can still give Tony the thumbs-up. Note: Keep the bathroom frills. If a bit of lace is all it takes to have someone to clean your toilet, it’s worth it.
