It’s 9 a.m. on a Saturday. You wake up, head throbbing, to the aroma of stale liquor and latex. Turning in the direction of a female-shaped lump under the covers, you open your eyes, expecting the worst. Something is different, but what? She’s friggin’ hot!
Then she wakes up, gets one look at you-drool rolling off your chin as you sit staring in awe-and bolts for the door before you can even ask her name. You had a hot and sexy gal in your bed, and you blew it. Don’t blow it again. We’re here to give you the five essential rules for turning that one-night stand into a solid, no-fail booty call.
RULE 1:Don’t be Greedy Ah, yes, the good ol’ oral-sex tug-of-war: She’s inching up the mattress while your hand is strategically moving into place behind her head. It’s a train wreck of limbs, and nobody’s feeling very sexy. Give it up. Do her first. In case you haven’t noticed, women don’t fall asleep after you orgasm-they like to chat or continue doing it. So, if you want to loll around in bed talking about feelings, do her after she does you. If you want a tuckered-out repeat customer who can’t wait to screw you again, you had better get her off first, and second, and if possible, third. “She’ll want to reward you for being such a great lover,” says Ava Cadell, author of Stock Market Orgasm and founder of loveologyuniversity.com. To give her those multiple orgasms, Cadell recommends paying special attention to the G-spot while you stimulate her orally. “The G-spot is about the size of a dime and will feel different from the rest of the tissue inside the vagina,” says Cadell. To find it, “slip the middle finger of your prominent hand inside her vagina, palm up.” Once you’ve located it, “tap your finger toward the belly button, while still providing oral stimulation to her clitoris.” Then, do it again. Yes, it’s that easy. Next, give yourself a pat on the back, because she’s going to be on you like white on rice.
RULE 2:Get to Know Her This should go without saying, but, sadly, it can’t: The morning after you’ve hooked up, when she’s stepping back into her panties, is not the right time to ask her name. You should really get these matters straight before you picture her naked. “Remembering a name is just a matter of listening, and loud bars are not conducive to that,” says Beverly Langford, author of The Etiquette Edge: Unspoken Rules for Business Success. To overcome a distracting environment, Langford suggests asking for a business card or associating her name with a word, such as scary Mary or Morgan the moaner. If scary Mary’s name has already slipped your mind, “be honest,” says Langford. “Apologize and ask if she could please repeat it, but don’t say, ‘I forgot it’-it sounds too negative.” Follow these simple name-remembering techniques and you’ll ensure that she’ll be screaming out yours later on.
RULE 3:Let Her Off Easy “No, seriously, I never do this. Please don’t think I’m a slut.” Ri-i-ight. She never does this. All you had to do was buy her a drink and compliment her eyes and she’s pulling you into a bathroom stall. Now she’s regretting it. Big time. “She’s human,” says Tom Mazur, Psy.D., a clinical associate professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the State University of New York at Buffalo. “She may feel guilty because of a lack of connectedness between the two of you or because she thinks her actions went against traditional gender roles. A double standard still exists.” So how can you convince her otherwise? Sorry, you can’t. “She has to deal with it on her own,” says Mazur. Although it does help to remain as nonjudgmental and polite as possible, especially if she’s visibly upset.
RULE 4:Keep it Simple So you have an inkling that the babe you brought home would totally be into being paddled after getting squirted with whipped cream and rolled around in chocolate sprinkles. And yeah, she might be. But don’t take the chance. She may already be slightly apprehensive about going home with a guy she just met, so the best thing you can do is keep the sex simple. That means leaving your whips and chains securely behind closed doors, along with your ball-gag, weird porn, and recording equipment. Save ’em until at least the third date. “Sometimes the best sex is with someone you hardly know; you have no baggage, no resentments, and often no inhibitions, so there’s nothing to lose,” says Cadell. However, it is a good idea to repress your inner masochist the first time around. “Don’t restrain, spank, or whip her-even if she asks for it.” For a favorable outcome to your semi-anonymous sex romp, treat her with respect and let her take control in the bedroom. You never know-she may surprise you.
RULE 5:Don’t Be Desperate You’ve bedded a stone fox who actually likes you. Now what? Whatever you do, don’t “accidentally” run into her at the grocery store or gym, don’t call too much, and, most important, do not confess that you’ve lived a life of celibacy since Jackass went off the air. As far as she’s concerned, you’re a sweet, semi-intelligent guy who’s killer in the sack. The last thing you want to do is appear needy, even if it’s just for casual sex. There’s a fine line between suffocating and sweet, so call no more than twice a week. When you do, keep it brief. Tell her you had a great time and would like to see her again. Just make sure you invite her over to your place. This keeps the line between “screwing” and “dating” big and bold.
